Not really. It's more that I had a pretty long to-do list, and blogging wasn't making the cut, no matter how hard I tried.
It's difficult to keep a steady blog schedule going when you eat as much ice cream as I do. And I hate having a blog and the last post being several months old. Looking at a stale date on the blog gives me the same feeling as finding expired milk in the fridge. *Cringe*
Today I decided to give it another go. Here's why.
It's fast Sunday. For those readers who may not know, fasting is a practice Mormons love and hate. We skip two meals on the first Sunday of every month (hate---especially when the Lucky Charms are already poured into the bowl and spoon raised to the mouth when I look at the calendar). We give the money we would have spent on Lucky Charms to the poor. We also see it as a time to think about spiritual things with more clarity (LOVE!) since we're not busy stuffing ourselves with leftover Halloween candy. We are taught to "fast with a purpose"---in other words, to pray about something that is troubling us or to pray for someone in special need, and the sacrifice of the two meals along with our willingness to go hungry for a higher purpose bolsters our faith and helps us receive answers to prayer.
Today I decided to fast about my attempts at balancing motherhood and freelance work. Anyone who knows me well realizes I am not a hard worker when it comes to career. If I don't happen to have a job, I'm not the kind of person to get bored or have an identity crisis. So why, after I had a baby, was I suddenly feeling lost because I didn't have much time to work for pay anymore?
The absolute consuming nature of motherhood surprised me. Maybe it's because I've read too many blogs about moms who can do tons of crazy stuff, like play with colored gems on a light panel with their kids all day, and seek wool and flax and work with her hands and stuff, and, you know, cook dinner sometimes. But I was having a hard time fitting in a shower regularly, let alone editing other people's manuscripts and writing my own---partly because one of my hands is holding a bottle eight hours a day. (A baby bottle, duh.) How can I type much with only one hand?
I've noticed lately that on days when I decide I don't have to do editing work and that I'm only going to play with TallyBug and keep her fed, I feel content. REALLY content. So content I started wondering if writing shouldn't be on my to-do list ever again. The best people who ever lived probably weren't writers. They probably spent their lives feeding the poor and changing their babies' diapers.
A few days ago I complained to a friend that at writing conferences and classes, the teachers treat writing as a moral issue. I've never been to a conference where I didn't hear this advice: "WRITE EVERY SINGLE DAY." (Subtext: "If you don't prioritize writing above drinking water and eating food, you are not and never will be a REAL writer.") Maybe it was bothering me because I don't like being told what to do. :P Or maybe it's because there are already so many things we really should do every day: Pray. Read our scriptures. Exercise. Floss our teeth. But write? Will I go to hell or get cavities if I miss one day of writing fiction? No, but I won't publish a book ever, either. Is that such a bad thing? That's what I was trying to decide when I began my fast.
While fasting about if I should take writing less seriously . . . (I hope my agent doesn't read this. She might fall over dead to think I could take it any less seriously) . . . I went in for my temple recommend interview. Again, for those who don't know, a temple recommend interview is when Mormons meet with their ecclesiastical leaders to talk about if they are beating their kids or any other serious sins that would revoke their privilege of worshiping in the temple. A temple is different than a church and its use is reserved for the spiritually committed so the sacred atmosphere can be preserved. Basically, a temple recommend interview is a chance to evaluate if you're living the morals you believe in and to show some accountability.
Mr. R and I are fairly new to the area, and I'd never met this particular ecclesiastical leader yet. I sat down across from his desk, and he rattled off the usual questions. Then, out of the blue, he asked me what I studied in college. When I said English, he asked if I knew Chris Crowe, and I said of course, he was like my favorite professor ever because I love to write for children and teens.
And then my ecclesiastical leader---whose job it is to teach morals---looked me in the eyes and said this: "You know, you really should be writing every day."
Is this the answer to my prayers? It sorta seemed like it.
I guess, for me, it's okay to write every. single. day. Even if I let the floors go unvacuumed for another month. *cough* I mean week. Writing is a gift God has given me to develop, a creative outlet that's better than paying for therapy, and I don't want to die not having tried because I was too lazy to type one-handed.
But also, I don't want to write anything on Sunday I might potentially be paid for someday. That feels like work, and work feels like Sabbath-breaking to me, so I dusted off the ol' blog and wrote my drivel of the day. That's why I'm back. I'll stay as long as TallyBug keeps sleeping now and then, which she did not do for the first eight weeks of her life.
I'm curious to hear about balance from anyone who's been there. How do you pursue excellence in whatever talents make you happy while making sure the family stays clean, fed, safe, and sane? I'm new to this motherhood thing.
